According to a 2023 analysis by the Pew Research Center, new school years across the United States begin from as early as late July until after Labor Day. Regardless of when families prepare for the academic year, the process often looks the same: purchasing needed supplies, finishing a summer reading list, adjusting sleep schedules and adapting to a new routine.
The phrase “back to school” can catalyze a spectrum of emotional responses for both students and parents. In the latest episode of The UCI Podcast, Jessica Borelli, UC Irvine professor of psychological science, offers insight on the array of reactions that accompany this time of year, and she shares tips on how families can embrace the change together and make it as smooth as possible for all involved.
The music for this episode, “For Time to Disappear,” was provided by Ocean/Ryan McCaffery via the audio library in YouTube Studio.
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Transcript
The UCI Podcast/Cara Capuano:
From the University of California, Irvine, I’m Cara Capuano. Thank you for listening to The UCI Podcast.
Our guest today is Jessica Borelli, professor of psychological science at UC Irvine. She’s a clinical psychologist and her research focuses on how close relationships, emotions, health and development are all interlinked — paying special attention to how anxiety and depression factor in. She still maintains a small private practice where she sees clients of all ages specializing in anxiety disorders, depression and family relationships. Thank you for taking the time to chat with us today, Professor Borelli.
Jessica Borelli:
Thank you for having me.
Capuano:
We’re having our conversation in the first week of August – that time when the summer is sunsetting and families are starting to think about three words that can stir up a variety of emotions in people: “back to school.” When I say, “back to school,” Professor Borelli, where do your thoughts take you initially?
Borelli:
Oh, so many directions. My first thought is about how this phrase can evoke so many different reactions in so many people. Some people feel excitement of what’s to come. Some people may feel nervous. It may be very different for parents and for kids. I think of back to school supplies and hopes and dreams, and also the expectations people have of themselves and others.
My second thought is just how relatable these reactions of going back to school are. This experience of anticipating something like going back to school, it starts out in childhood, and it continues all the way to adulthood — something changing, something coming to an end. We now have a term to describe that sense of excitement — and maybe also dread — that accompanies that feeling of returning to something one has successfully avoided: the “Sunday scaries.”
Capuano:
The “Sunday scaries” scare me weekly — thank you for bringing that up. [Borelli chuckles.] They can be rough.
For many people, that phrase “back to school” unfortunately provokes some of the things you were talking about — negative emotions like anxiety, worry, concern. That’s not only true for students — it can also be true for some parents. Why does that happen?
Borelli:
It’s not that surprising if you think about it. Whenever we leave a situation behind that has the potential to cause us some kind of anxiety or stress, and then we try to return to it again, the anxiety and stress are there waiting for us only they’ve typically gotten bigger than before. This is a basic principle about anxiety: if we turn our back on it and walk away, it gets bigger. Unfortunately, anxiety doesn’t get smaller when it’s left unattended. We wish it would be that way, but that’s just not the way it works.
Capuano:
So how can we tend to that anxiety? What are some strategies that people can take to turn negative energy towards something more positive?
Borelli:
This is such a great question. One of the best antidotes to anxiety is interest and excitement. So, if you can find something that inspires you, it can be a really good way to refocus your attention.
For instance, your child might be anxious about school, but also excited to see their friends or eager to find out what their new teacher is like, what new books they have in the library, or to see what they’ve done to the playground equipment during the summer months. As a parent, you can capitalize on their curiosity about their teacher or their interest in seeing their friends. Try to talk that up with them, have lots of conversations with them. Try to figure out what it is that sparks their interest and curiosity. This can go a really long way in helping them push through those negative feelings that accompany the anxiety.
Capuano:
To that end, you know, some parents do assume that going to back to school is going to be a negative for their children, but that’s actually not the case for all young people, right?
Borelli:
That’s exactly right, Cara, and this is a really good question, because it’s a mistake to assume that your child is feeling worried about school. It’s actually a much better parenting strategy to create the space for your child to share how they’re feeling with you, but not to make an assumption that they’re worried. Some children actually just feel purely excited about the start of school, whereas other children feel more of a mix of feelings — maybe some excitement and some worry. What’s important is to allow your child the space or the opportunity to share how they’re feeling with you without making assumptions about what they’re actually feeling.
Capuano:
And that takes questions.
Borelli:
Yeah. Asking questions, creating time and opportunities for your child to have conversations with you. Children aren’t really great at just jumping in and starting a conversation, so you need to create the opportunity for them to have time with you.
Capuano:
Excellent point. Getting ready for the school year looks different for students of different age ranges. How does the anticipation look for younger children versus adolescents, all the way on up to college students that we see here at UC Irvine?
Borelli:
It can look quite a bit different. Younger children are less seasoned at approaching this whole transition. They may not know to even anticipate it, and it may surprise them quite a bit, whereas older adolescents and even college students can start anticipating it and develop better avoidance strategies. So, you might see them engaging in more advanced and more covert types of strategies. Older adolescents and young adults, they’re better at hiding their fears, but they might still have quite a lot of fears.
But youth of all ages might be motivated to use these types of avoidance behaviors. Yet the avoidance behaviors of younger children can be quite a bit more obvious to detect. So, a younger child, you might see them – for example – clinging to their parent and refusing to go into the school, refusing to get out of the car, for example, or refusing to leave the house when they don’t want to go to school. Whereas you might be more likely to see a teenager or a college student doing things like saying they don’t feel well hiding in their room, sleeping more when it gets closer to the school transition. Yet those could actually be signs of the same types of avoidance behaviors or anxiety. So, you want to look in different places for signs of anxiety or avoidance.
Capuano:
How about parents? The process of getting ready for back to school — how does that change as their children age?
Borelli:
I would recommend that parents have conversations with kids of all ages, yet the conversations should change form.
Conversations with younger children will be much more concrete, helping children prepare for the “how to” of going to school. The emotional aspects of the conversations might focus more on the impact of separating from parents, whether or not the child is going to be with their best friend in the same classroom, or whether the child likes their teacher.
As a child ages, parents’ conversations with children might veer more towards more complicated topics, like talking about things like peer group belonging, managing academic workload and relationship quality with teachers.
Parents might want to help their older children know how to anticipate a school year, talking about changes from last year in terms of workload, peer relationships, things like that. As well as talking about how to process and prepare for the adjustment that comes as one transitions from the rhythm of summer months to the school months ahead. Basically, parents can talk about more complex — psychologically complex — topics with older children.
Capuano:
Along those lines, I know you’re a parent. What have you learned from your own experiences that you try to share with others — a few workarounds to make it easier? You’ve already given us some great ideas. What are some things that are done in the Borelli household?
Borelli:
[Laughs] Oh my goodness. Well, first I would like to tell you that I’ve learned more from my own children than from any other experience I’ve had as a psychologist. They’ve taught me that every child is unique and that what works with one child may not work with another child.
The other thing I’ve learned is that emotions are fleeting. This is something that’s taught in books, but it’s so important to really internalize this message. You really need to have the faith, as a parent, that comes from experiencing this message. Children can be very anxious and resigned one day and wake up the next day ready to tackle their fears. And if you have the confidence that they can get through it and make it to the other side, this will carry them very far in life. You really have to hold that faith for them sometimes. Sometimes you have to be the one holding the confidence for them when they can’t carry it themselves.
Another tool that I found to be so powerful is talking with each of my children about what strategies work to help them manage tough transitions. I spend a lot of time talking with my kids about what we’ve tried in the past. We’ve tried role-playing. We’ve tried deep breathing. We’ve tried drawing out a pros and cons list on the whiteboard. And my kids are able to say what they like best — and what we’ve tried together — so that I know for the future what helps them most and what they really don’t like to do. I can also use my own observational skills as a parent to inform my perception of what works best, but it helps so much to know what they feel helps the most, as well as to have their buy-in.
Capuano:
You have given us so many tips, ideas, strategies. Thank you for all of your insight. Let’s take a moment to talk about you and your research. What are you investigating right now?
Borelli:
Well, thank you for asking that question. I’ve been doing a lot of work on a parenting program I’ve been developing. It’s called “relational savoring,” and it involves helping parents cherish moments of connection they’ve had with their children. I just published a book that describes the method.
Capuano:
Is there anything that we didn’t talk about today that you wanted to make sure we got to in this conversation?
Borelli:
Well, this morning I told my 11-year-old daughter that I was going to do this interview. I asked her if she had any advice for parents about this topic. She actually already started her school year — because she’s in year-round school — and she said that it helps to tell kids that their friends will be there and be excited to see them when they get to school — if they have friends, she mentioned. And she also said that everything’s always easier than it seems at the outset of the school year. I asked her if I can remind her of that next year, and she said, “Yes.” [Laughs]
Capuano:
What a perfect addition! That actually gave me the chills. From the mouths of babes come truths, right?
Borelli:
Yes [laughs].
Capuano:
That’s fantastic. Thank you so much for taking the time to join us today, Professor Borelli.
Borelli:
Thank you for having me. This was fun.
Capuano:
It has been most enjoyable and hopefully for the parents and students at home, they learned a little something, too. I’m Cara Capuano. Thank you for listening to our conversation. For the latest UC Irvine news, please visit news.uci.edu. The UCI Podcast is a production of Strategic Communications and Public Affairs at the University of California, Irvine. Please subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts.
